Insomniac ideas – 1

In a world where only one thing is growing faster than the population, and that is frustration, shouldn’t all of us think of doing something to help our people vent it out?
Just watching the news and a little bit of Googling, I noticed that there is indeed an effective way of doing it and people have discovered that!

It has a simple 5-step recipe.
1. Bend down
2. Open your shoe-laces
3. Remove your shoe and pick it up
4. Get up
5. THROW THAT SHOE ON THAT BLOODY FACE IN FRONT OF YOU!

This therapy to get out of a frustrated mind seems older than the discovery of fire (apologies for a little exaggeration). But I am sure if you are a 90s kid, or a 60s kid, or 20s kid, you would have been directly or indirectly participated in this beautiful art which has been expanding globally.

Here we have the wikipedia link

But have you ever been in a situation, when you so badly wish to throw that shoe in that face but only because it was a Puma or Nike one, you changed your mind? Well, you can’t ask that person to give back the shoe after you hit. That would seem so rude. So, belonging to a generation of people that get startup ideas faster than I decide to leave the bed in the morning, I saw a dream. I dreamt of a world where people will be shoed irrespective of not only if they deserve to, but also irrespective of the shoes the thrower is wearing.
State-of-the-art shoes made for the sole purpose of throwing them. Your one throw to fame! Cheap, strong, polished with black ink, bathed with fresh fragrance of stale socks for maximum impact. Probably we could make them even more efficient by some target locking mechanism. Tell me what you think of this. Or you can order a shoe to hit me if you hate the idea. Though that will be a situation of catch 22.
Enough.
Brain! Go! If you had Indian parents, they would tell you to get married to protect your sanity!

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Your ‘high’ness

I have a disorder
To feel mediocre when praised
But to feel proud when being realized
of mediocrity

To extollers I am just the lucky one
There always seems so much to achieve
With ambitious ones I happen to be content and happy
After all, there will always something left even for the best

As the confusion about self mounts
Surprisingly clarity of thought forgets its bounds
Joking when sadness does it rounds
How many tears came watching that silly movie, well I lost count!

So I thought of writing something philosophical
Hoping of doing something mystical
Or at least clichéd rhetorical
But even failed to find something rhyming with ‘cal’!
Well, that was dull.

When life goals change sooner
Than Delhi buses changing lanes
You doubt if grass is actually greener
On the other side of the joints smoked in chains.

Welcome to the jungle – 2

Months back, a post was made entitled ‘welcome to the jungle‘. That post though full of wild trees and shrubs, had no wild animals in it. So this time, we have most of the wild animals found in this one, accidentally strategically being published just before the release of Jungle Book.

With 4 visits to the National Zoological Park (Delhi) over the last 6 months, I clicked over 1000 bad pictures. There is something addictive watching animals for hours and patiently waiting for hours in the harsh sun to get that one shot that can be shown to friends and family 😀 So here, I will post some of the pictures of some of our friends who are fighting for their existence and are forced to live in their dwarf homes at the center of one of the most densely populated cities of the most densely populated country in the world. try to get something funny out of these fat asses.

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One fine day at the Republic of Zoorasia
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“So, ready for the fight bro?” “Sure man! Start counting your days! But where is the lousy referee looking?”
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“Fuck the referee bro! There’s only one rule in our fight club! It is, there’s no rule!”

Suddenly, the whole tribe intervenes and tells them to stop. They have a news!

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Hey stop you naive idiots! Haven’t you heard of the Panama leaks? All the big cats have their names in it! Let us go and protest like intellectuals!
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“Yes yes! Follow me. Those cats might be powerful, but hiding their money in the Panama Canal ! Hahh! They can’t be as smart as me”
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“Hahaha oh monkey! You are such a monkey!”
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“Hey croc! Just because he is black, you can’t call him a monkey! Racism is not allowed here!”
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“And that is not racist, you asshole? Silly animals! The day I complete my evolution degree and get promoted to homo-sapien, I’ll teach you a lesson”
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“Hehehe he’ll become a homo..”
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Yup! That is why I prefer to say under water away from these people
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“Umm, we are saving our seats here since morning to see the drama. Could you please protest now so that we can have some entertainment? We are really bored of news debates”
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“Protest? Against us? Was peeing in my drinking water a part of that?”
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Sorry dude, that was me. I feel my bladder is getting smaller
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*ROAR* “What is this commotion about in my kingdom? Don’t you know I am a no-nonsense king?”
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Speak up now! I, your king, am here! Or my roar has left you out of words?
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“Ha! Silly old man! We had oil! So we became a democracy years ago! You are not the king anymore”
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“And in democracy, we can pee and sell it as oil”
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“I am going home :/

To be continued… Maybe, if I feel like… Someday. Please tell me if you smiled.

Newsreaders, you are not ought to be creative!

‘Truth is stranger than fiction’. This cheesy statement has been taken a bit too seriously by Indian news channels.

At a time when half the world is going through economic crisis, other half fighting other countries or natural disasters, the last thing I would want to know about is, “Do aliens drink cow’s milk?” Yes, this is what exactly the headline below says:Alien-gai-ka-dudhYes, why not, they drink cow’s milk and all the shit they excrete later is transmitted to our homes by your channel!

I wonder if the people in the news industry wrote the scripts of our movies, they would be much more imaginative and creative. But it is too easy to copy from Hollywood but too necessary to ‘create’ out of the box news.

Just a few days back, I stumbled upon the reportedly fastest news channel of India. It is fast indeed. Reporting events that have happened in the past is too mainstream for them. So they had this overweight man called ‘Astro Uncle’, who looked like a huge tomato, finding something amusing in the problems of his each viewer and telling them how to change the grand plan of the universe “effectively”.
pawanjiJust have a look at him. And then imagine he knows your future. I think the only thing your future will then consist of is – Calories and Cholesterol!
But no, I’ll share one of his solutions that I had to unfortunately hear and I can’t stand to see you spared.
If you want to marry but are unable to find a suitable match, don’t bother to meet new people or just concentrate on your career. “You must keep 10 cashew nuts under your pillow before going to sleep and you’ll find a match in one month”!
Really? Dude, you have the guts to sound so foolish on national television? And you, the cute newsreader, okay, I won’t say much to you because you are cute, but you are a NEWSreader !

AND THEN, HOW CAN I FORGET OUR FAVORITE NEWS ANCHOR? (This is how he whispers). The guy didn’t learn one thing in his journalism classes and is the editor of another fastest news channel (And they say, India has a lack of opportunities)! Though I am sure he is able to do this:
Arnab-Goswami-9I remember one episode of his show, Frankly Shouting *coughs* Frankly Speaking where he calls a shitty politician to whom no one pays attention to. There, as always the anchor asks a question  declares his judgement and then both of them start the competition to see whose vocal cords are stronger. Annoyed, I was about to change the channel when a voice echoed ‘Arnab, YOU DUMBO’ ! Yes, that’s how the two pillars of the world’s largest democracy address each other. Whatever, it was funny and they managed to secure a viewer after a shitty politician told a shitty anchor that how shitty he is.

To continue with the creative people in news industry, I have this guy:
hqdefault (1)Here, he is probably telling about a stray dog barking in the night but he has this talent to make an event that simple to a life-threatening one. You found that movie scary? You must see this guy. He’ll redefine horror to you when he speaks with his peculiar high pitched voice at midnight.

To conclude, please don’t judge the people of a country by its media.